Tips on Dealing With Putdowns

Speaking Up About Putdowns

When someone is saying something that is hurtful or rude, speaking up takes courage. Speaking up takes the skills of knowing the words to say and how to deal with negative reactions. Finally, speaking up takes wisdom, because there are times when speaking up is a mistake. If a dangerous person is insulting you or others when there is no adult around who can help you to stay safe, the best plan is to leave.

What is a Putdown?

A putdown is an insulting remark that “puts down” another person. Whether a putdown is directed at himself or herself or at someone else, young people and adults need to understand that stopping putdowns with their family, friends, colleagues, and classmates is like stopping pollution or littering. It might not always be possible, but it is important to try when we can. If we get mad and start insulting the person who is making the putdown remarks, this is like adding to the pollution. Instead, we can learn to speak up in ways that are polite and clear.

Common putdowns include laughing, making rude gestures or sounds, mimicking, and saying insulting things to make someone feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, or ashamed. Putdowns also include making negative remarks about someone behind her or his back for the purpose of getting others to think less of this person. This is different than speaking up about a problem to get help, because the purpose is not to find a solution, but to be hurtful to this person.

Ways to Speak Up

Parents & Adults, who are in supervisor roles, need YOUR HELP, depending on the nature of the putdown and the ages of your Kids/students, responses that we might have young people practice include:

“That’s not funny. Please stop.”

“That’s a mean thing to say. I don’t like it.”

“That’s not cool.”

“What purpose does it serve to say that? It sounds like an insult.”

“That’s disrespectful. Please stop.”

“That’s prejudice. That’s not acceptable to me.”

“That’s a mean thing to do. Stop or I’ll leave.”

“That’s bullying. We promised not to do that and I want to keep our promises.”

“That’s dishonorable. You are a better person than that.

We also help young people come up with “I” statements such as, “I feel sad when you say unkind things about people. Please stop.”

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Testimony From Emma

I am now 30 years old and have only just started to get over my bullied years that happened years ago at school. It started in 1989 my last year at juniors and followed into senior school where it got worse, much worse until I left in 1995, it was mental torture everyday, I couldn't sleep every night worrying about going into school the next day, I tried to pretend I was ill but my parents never fell for it, I wasn't much of a liar see, they always could tell, so got sent to school anyway. All the name calling, teasing, laughing at me and sniggering behind my back every single day, I felt horrible, alone and I hated myself, really hated myself. I lost all my self-confidence which I am only just beginning to gain back now after 20 years.

I was always a chubby kid, but looking back at photo's of me back then I don't think I looked that huge, but my bullies made me feel like I was enormous repulsive ugly and hideous looking. When I saw myself in a mirror or shop window I felt repulsed by what I could see before me, I saw what they made me to believe I was. So much so I started comfort eating to make myself feel better and hiding the evidence anywhere and everywhere, even my poor little brother took the blame for pinching the food I stole sometimes, knowing it was me, love him, best little bro ever.

So, I started to pile on the pounds making myself fat and becoming exactly what they bullied me about in the first place, by making myself fat I also made myself an easier target for the bullies, so now I really was fat and ugly and weak and they loved ripping me to shreds on a daily basis with the name calling and mental torture.

I wished I had never been born, every single day I thought this, I hated my life and constantly questioned myself on a daily basis, what is the point of life? I hate it and wish I were dead.

Eating all that food seemed to make me feel better, for a short while anyway, I assume like people with cigarette addictions, but then it didn't last for long, so had to eat more and more and more to feed my habit, which is now what it had become.

Looking back now, My trouble was I never spoke to anyone about what happened to me, that was just silly, I should have spoken to someone, anyone, a teacher, my parents, grandparents, a friend or neighbor that I trusted, but back then I thought if I admitted I was being bullied by them idiots then I would be made a fool of by everyone, I'd just be a big fat ugly joke, which I already felt like anyway, why make it worse, I thought.

I recently found out by someone that a few of them were jealous. JEALOUS OF ME???? Why? I was fat and ugly, I didn't get it. Apparently, it was because I had long straight hair and no spots. That was it! I was made to feel like nothing and I hated myself for 20 years of my 30 years of life because of that. Daft isn't it. The other bullies I assume bullied me because I was an easy target and they followed the other bullies picking on me anyway, even a friend of mine sided with the bullies in fear of being picked on herself. That really hurt, even more so than what I was going through daily anyway.

So, if you are being bullied for any reason no matter how big or small you think it may be, it is a very big deal to you, because it is you that is being hurt and affected by it. It does matter that you get help, nobody will ever judge you, tell someone you trust, they will help you. Don't suffer in silence like I did, you are only bullying yourself doing that. Don't ruin your own life more by not getting help.

I really wish all these web sites and foundations and organizations for bullying were set up a years earlier, maybe I would have done something about it sooner, who knows?

Testimony from Emma

Don't feel bad about yourself because of stupid no good bullies, they are nothing not you. Get help! Do it today, don't put it off any longer.

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Testimony From Alex

On October 20th, 2011, no one was home after school so I tried to hang myself in my basement. I know what your thinking, why would she do such a selfish thing? Well I was going through so much I couldn’t even handle anything anymore. I gave up at the time. I ended up getting off the ground and going upstairs. I looked in the mirror and I saw the brush marks all over my neck from the rope. I knew in school the next day people were going to ask where was it from. 

 Then I started to cut myself. It was addicting, I did it a couple times that night. In the morning at school I ended up telling 2 of my best friends, someone told a guidance counselor about what I did last night. When I got home after school, social workers came to my house and I had no idea why they were at my house at first, but then they asked me if I really tried to hang myself, and of course I told the truth. So I got taken down to ECMC after school, I had to sit in the emergency room for 6 hours, then I had to sit in CPEP for another 6 hours, the nurse finally took me up to my room. I ended up staying there till November 4th. It helped a lot, and taught me a lesson. I’m glad that whoever told, did tell the guidance counselor about how I attempted suicide because I wouldn’t have gotten the help I needed. When I tell what happened that night I attempted suicide, I actually smile at the end now. My friends wonder why I smile. I smile because I’m happy it’s over and I got the help I needed. I’m glad I don’t have to go through any of that pain anymore, because I try my best to think positive everyday. Things do get better; you just have to hang in there. I know this suicide attempt was recent and your wondering how I could tell this so soon, but like I said I’m happy that I got the help I needed, and I’m happy that the suicide attempt didn’t actually work out.

 And remember things do get better. Suicide is 100% preventable, speak out and reach out. People should at least try to get help even through its really hard at the time. There are many people that can help you. Everyone is concern about teens committing suicide. Everyone feels guilt when a teen commits suicide because they think they could have done something to prevent the suicide. 

People shouldn’t feel embarrassed about trying to attempt suicide or even expressing their personal feelings. Everyone has difficult times in his or her lives and we need to help each other. Just remember things do get better. 


Testimony from Alex

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Launch of "Be a Friend" Campaign

“Be a Friend”

We would like to announce our next official campaign - "Be a Friend" in conjunction with our StopBully.com "Be A Friend" wristbands - we have given thousands of these wristbands out over the last few months to Kids of all ages everywhere and will continue to do so...

From now on every Friday will be "Be A Friend" Friday... and we officially designate the Month of February as "Be a Friend" February to coincide with Pink Shirt Day at the end of the month on February 27...

So if you see another not fitting in… reach out and "Be a Friend"

If you see someone being a Bullied - "Step up and "Be A Friend" to that person...

If you see a Bully in action - Be their Friend and report them to a " Trusted Adult" - Bullies need help - there is a reason they are a Bully... Reporting them is "Being a Friend" - it helps them get the help they need...

Like/Share/Be the Difference... "Be a Friend" SBCFoundation

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5 Actions Adults Can Take to Protect Kids From Bullying:

1) Insist on powerful, respectful adult leadership. The people caring for kids are doing the most important job in the world.  Every adult in a child’s life is responsible for ensuring that each child is safe and acts safely towards others.

2) Make SURE Kids know you CARE.  Don’t assume that a child knows. No matter how busy you are, tell young people often, ”Your safety and well being are the most important things in the world to me. If anything bothers you, I want to know, and I will do my best to help you.”

3) Keep your radar on. Stay aware of what kids are saying and doing.  The best anti-bullying programs in the world won’t work if the adults in charge don’t know what their kids are doing and saying. Any of us can become so focused on a conversation or an activity that we don’t see what is happening around us. No matter how busy or distracted you are, check out what is happening with the young people in your care. What’s going on with that cluster of kids in the corner or by the slide? How’s the girl with the quick temper doing? What about the boy who often seems lost and unhappy?  Develop the skill of Splitting Your Attention to avoid tunnel vision. When you have kids in your care, interrupt what you are doing to observe what the kids are doing as well as what else is happening around you.  Keeping Your Radar On will prepare you to step in to stop or redirect unsafe behavior.

4) Don’t let kids throw stones. Intervene immediately in a powerful, respectful way so that you stop a child being unkind to another with the same determination that you would stop that child from throwing a rock through a window.  Teach kids that “making fun” of anyone in hurtful ways is cruel.  Remember that disrespectful or threatening gestures, sounds, and facial expressions are also ways to throw emotional stones.

5) Teach kids skills for taking charge of their safety.   People are more prepared to do in real life what they have practiced.  Allow children and teens opportunities to be successful in rehearsing how to take charge of their emotional and physical safety in situations that are relevant to their lives.

Like/Share/Be A Difference... "Be a Friend" - SBCFoundation

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This my view of a burdened child...

"It's a Beautiful Day" 

The sun is shining, it's a beautiful day
I wish I had a friend who'd invite me out to play.
I look from inside and ask the Lord "why me?"
I'm really the same as them, just want to be free.
Do they not know my heart beats the same as theirs
No matter what I say or do it seems no one really cares.
The pain I feel daily is so hard to take
but I know leaving here would be a big mistake.
My wounds do not bleed but will take a lifetime to heal
Do they not understand what they've taken was not theirs to steal.
It's now late at night and I should be sleeping
but all I hear is Daddy yelling and my Mommy softly weeping.
It's not only kids who are bullies and hurt us so,
it can be husbands, parents, even teachers you know.
All I ask for is love and to try and fit in
You don't know what I've gone through or where I've been.
I only pray sometime I can meaningly say
"The sun is shining, and it's a beautiful day"

by Cindy Kreese 12-11-12

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is an all too familiar phrase that I'm sure we have all heard at one time or another in our lives. What about "You are what you eat". OR how about this one: "You are what people say you are". The last one most of us can look at it and think or say "That is a very ridiculous". But is it? I for one started to believe that. When I was in Grade seven, all my girl friends decided to drop me and "de" friend me. This abandonment turned into harassment when we all entered grade 8 and continued right up until grade 12. The words from these particular girls were not life giving, nor encouraging but rather belittling and degrading. I started to believe these words about myself. Enduring teenager "hood" is challenging enough without having to embark negative words said against and to you. Unfortunately these words haunted me for about 15 years. Finally I had to make a choice: to fully accept and LIFE who I really was, or continue my life believing the negative words. I continue to walk forward with my life and work on not caring what people are thinking. Looking back, because of the harsh behaviour towards me has made and forced me to be strong, and confident, and compassionate. However I had to make that CHOICE. Don't waste anymore time believing negative words spoken against you, or to you.

One of the lessons that I grew up with was to always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals. And so when I hear about negative and false attacks, I really don't invest any energy in them, because I know who I am.
- Michelle Obama

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Tammy B

Mitchell Wilson bullying case: Not-guilty verdict for accused attacker

As I read the article below my heart was filled with anguish, and my head was full of questions. What drives an 11 year old to commit suicide? This story probably hits close to home for me because I have an 11 year old son myself. What goes through an 11 year old boy's head before he tries to kill himself? How does one so young feel such desperation and hopelessness. And to worsen the fresh wound of loss for the parents, it seems as though justice wasn't served. What preventative action(s) could have been done before a horrific tragedy occured. I believe that the proper education and research on bully prevention is becoming more and more crucial. That we don't become immune or turn the other way when we see yet another "anti-bully" slogan or promotion awareness. We need to be alert to bully awareness and that it's not just becoming the new trend. I invite you to stop by our website to view our short video on "Is your child being bullied" It lists the signs and symptoms of a child being bullied.

Tammy B

Read Full Article - Mitchell Wilson

B.C Teachers Federation Loses Battle

The B.C. Teachers Federation has lost its effort to force school boards to impose provincial anti-bullying programs that were ordered four years ago.

Read Full Story

At Royal Oak Walmart Today

Hi folks at Royal Oak Walmart today handing out info and Fundraising