“I didn’t know.”

Those are heart-breaking words. A world comes crashing down, seemingly in an instant. You find a blood soaked fabric under your child’s bed (because cutting has become popular among her friends) or, you get a phone call, and what you hear, what you see, breaks your heart as a parent. For all the energy you have put in, for all the driving, all the meals, things you have paid for, places you have driven, your child feels distant.

Some suppose that these are just the “teenage years,” or this is just “the way kids are.” Yes, that is true. But who are WE, and how are WE as adults responsible for providing for all the needs of our children? What is our role? What are we to do when our children are being bullied?

What would you want to be done for you if you were bullied? Why not provide this very thing for your child? Our first job as parent is to know! And finding out, takes a warm loving conversation about topics that are very hard to talk about!

If we are bullied in the work place as adults, or even by complete strangers, what do we do? We talk about it, it is our first impulse, to talk to other people. The real big issue is that kids have the same impulse to talk about what is going on with them, but the people they talk to are other kids. Talking with other kids isn’t bad, or wrong, and it can be very helpful, the thing to be understood is that other kids have the same level of maturity. Again, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but you as a parent have some experience in this game, don’t take yourself out of the conversation.

Some conversations with our children are hard, I like to utilize a technique called “opening the door” Where we don’t necessarily talk with our children about the very thing we see a need to talk about today, we just warmly open the door to this future conversation to take place. You can say something like “You know, you mom and I are hear to talk to you about anything you like, drugs, alcohol, sex, bullying or suicide.” We have to be a voice in their world that speaks louder than the words of the bullies. But this voice can’t be a voice of anger and frustration it has to be the inquisitive persistent voice of calm and love, one that says, “I love you, I want to know what is going on.”

From a human nature perspective, we all have the desire “to be known,” to be understood, to have our hopes, dreams, success, and aspirations known by other people. This list of things we want to have known also includes fears, failures, and a genuine longing to be understood at a deep level. Many of us don’t know how to go about these conversations for ourselves, let alone for our kids.

In most any other circumstance we jump in and want to figure out what we don’t know in order to help find a solution. Here too, we must jump in, it is our responsibility, and to know our kids, and to warmly invite them into a conversation, to find out what is going on, what concerns they have. Every day, we have small opportunities to “open the door” of conversation with our kids. Allowing them the very basic human freedom of being known inside a caring encouraging environment.

Justin Hubert

@justinHubert (twitter)
www.slv2all.blogspot.com (Blog)

Justin is the CEO of Heritage Family Services, an organization caring for 100 kids every day aged 0-18, he and his wife have 4 kids aged 2-12.

Dealing with the Bully at WORK

What can you do if you’re being bullied at WORK – PART 1

An increasing number of organizations are developing anti-bullying policies. If your workplace has a policy in place, follow it. If your workplace has no anti-bullying policy, the following suggestions will

help you take action:

• Tell the bully that his or her behavior is unwelcome and unwanted. To communicate your concerns effectively, follow these suggestions:
• Describe the offensive behavior, explain why it’s unacceptable and describe its effect on you.
• Focus on the problem not the person. Avoid blaming language such as, “You always...” Instead, describe the outcome: “When you criticize me in front of our customers, I feel like they lose confidence in my abilities.”
• Tell the bully firmly that you want the behavior to stop.
• If you need support to take this step, arrange for a witness to be present when you approach the bully.
• If you don’t feel comfortable talking to the bully in person, write a letter and send it by registered mail or courier. Keep the delivery receipt and a copy of the letter.

What can you do if you’re being bullied at WORK – PART 2

If the bullying continues, tell your supervisor. If your supervisor is the bully, tell your supervisor’s manager. Or speak with human resources staff or the person identified in your organization’s harassment policy. If your concerns are minimized, take them to the next level of management or to your union or professional association. Present your concerns in a professional, factual way.

Keep a factual journal of events. Record the date, time, witnesses, what happened (in as much detail as possible) and the outcome. A record of the number and frequency of events can help establish a pattern of bullying.

Keep copies of any letters, e-mails, memos or faxes you receive from the person.

Keep copies of performance appraisals or references that prove you can do your job. Continue doing your job to the best of your ability.

What can you do if you’re being bullied at WORK - PART 3

Avoid being alone with the bully. When you communicate with this person, stick to the issues and stay as calm as possible. Walk away if the bully threatens, scolds or belittles you.

Stay connected with your co-workers and others. Don’t let a bully isolate you. However, if you discover your co-workers are also targets, be very cautious about dealing with the bully as a group. Group action against the bully could be interpreted as mobbing or group bullying. Instead, co-ordinate your individual responses so the bully receives a consistent message that his or her actions are unacceptable.

Resist the urge to retaliate. It can make you look like a bully.

Tip Tuesday - April 16

Help Your Child Deal With Bullying At School Tips:

Role Play with your Child
Role-play with your child of some situations that happened. You play the bully and let your child

practice her responses. This will help your child with their confidence and be able to handle situations easier because they have practiced with you.

Talk to Other Adults
Talk to other adults that could watch your child for you. You may know someone that volunteers at school on the playground or at lunch break so they can be aware of what is happening and can keep an eye on things for you.

Keeping a Journal or Diary
Purchase a journal or diary for your child so that they can write down there feelings on paper. They need to get their feeling out somehow and if they are not expressing all their feelings to you, at least they have somewhere to write down how they feel and to release it from their minds.

En-roll them in Self-Confidence Classes
En-roll your child in a self-confidence class, like Tae-Kwon-Do or marshal arts. It is important to build up their self-confidence and this could help your child. Anything that can build up their self-confidence as a person is great for your children.

Follow-Up
Follow-up with your child to find out how the bullying situation is going at school and what is or isn't working. Keep an open communication with them so that you know what is going on at school. Keeping an open communication with your child will also help them know that you care what is going on and that you are there to help assist them with the problems that they are facing in their daily life.

Purchase Some Books on Bullying for your child
There are many great books out there to help your child with bullying. If you read the book with them, this opens up the opportunity for them to open up about the things that are happening to them. Here are some books that are recommended by the National Center of Bullying Prevention that are age appropriate for your child.

Bootsie Barker Bites by Barbara Bottner (ages 3 - 8)
A book about yard bullies

Chrysanthemum by Kevin Henkes (ages 3 - 8)
Chrysanthemum gets teased at her first day of school because of her name.

Arthur's April Fool by Marc Brown (ages 4 - 8)
Arthur worried about remembering his magic tricks for April Fool's Day and Binky's threats to pulverize him.

Thank you, Mr. Falker by Patricia Polacco (ages 4 - 8)
Classmates tease a girl because she has a reading and learning disability.

Recess Queen by Alexis O'Neil (ages 4 - 8)
The Biggest bully on the school playground is challenged by a new girl at school.

King of the Playground by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor (ages 4 - 8)
A young boy overcomes his fear of a boy who will not let him on the playground.

My Secret Bully by Trudy Ludwig (ages 5 - 8)
A girl confides to her mother that her best friend is treating her badly, and together they figure out what to do.

Hooway for Wodney Wat by Helen Wester (ages 5 - 8)
Classmates make fun of someone because of a speech impediment.

Nobody Knew What to Do by Becky Ray McCain (ages 6 - 9)
When bullies pick on a boy at school, a classmate is afraid, but decides he must do something.

The Hundred Dress by Eleanor Estes (ages 8 - 10)
A Classic, award winning book about prejudice and understanding

Just Kidding by Judy Ludwig (ages 8 - 12)
This book addresses the topic of teasing and emphasizes that jokes make people feel bad and can damage self-esteem.

Amelia's Bully Survival Guide by Marissa Moss (ages 8-12)
Amelia deals with a class bully.

Blubber by Judy Blume (ages 9 - 12)
A young girl goes along with tormenting a classmate and finds out what it is like to be a target herself.

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Effects of Bullying - Advice for Parents

As we know from our own childhoods the impact of Bullying is significant, now scientifically, we can look into the brains of adolescence seeing the actual effect of traumatic negative circumstances. Because of the intensity, bullying can affect a child in every area of their life; the trauma experienced sends cortisol levels spiking much like a traumatic car accident.

Bullying is serious; as the number of bully’s increases; as their reach and their effect (due to online presence) increase, the problem is getting worse. How do we protect our sons and daughters from bullying? This is a significant question. Although the answer may shock you, it is simple. You can’t. A second MORE important question, “how do we protect them from the EFFECTS of bullying?” That is where our responsibility as parents is. We must matter more to our children, our opinion of our kids must matter more. Our words must be louder (in a loving way) than the hurtful words of multiple bullies. Our children, when apart from us will be bullied; will we be there (in their minds) to help them through?

How can we be present with them even though they are away from us? Perhaps to demonstrate how, I’ll use a simple example. Your six year old on the first day of grade 1 is in the playground and another bigger child (perhaps from an advanced grade) starts to tell her, that 2 plus 2 equals 5. Perhaps you child stands confused, and she may not even say something back, but what is happening in your child’s head? Perhaps you have a child who knows how to speak for themselves, hands on hips she will say “no my daddy taught me, that 2 plus 2 is 4. Your child knows what is true, because you taught them what is true, you brought out apples and put two on one side of the table and two on the other, and then counted them all. Each of these moments, will be going through your little girls brain, as she stares at someone, disagreeing with you, and your teaching.

What happens, when what is said in the playground, feels like it FITS what is said at home? What happens, when a bully calls your little girl worthless and because of the way she FEELS when you tell her to clean her room, or drop her off at school, she believes it is true, not just from the bully, but in her life?

The real change that needs to be made when it comes to the epidemic of bullying, is in our living rooms, our dining rooms, in our kitchens and mini vans on the way to soccer practice. Parenting is frustrating deal. Kids don’t listen, they are not mini adults, they are little ones who have yet to mature. They forget things, wreck things, spill things, and then slam their bikes into the side of your Mercedes. They break the dish that has been in the family for 3 generations. And these things suck. They are hard, how we respond in the moment, and/or how we end a day, how we apologize, how we ensure, even though we share our frustration, that our kids know they are loved by us, makes all the difference in the playground.

Our words.

Our voice.

They need to be held, protected by you. I believe that if parents knew the only thing that would protect their kids at recess from the bully is their words that morning, or the evening before, then parents would try as hard as they could to change those words.

“You are worthless” – No, my DADDY said I was special

“You are ugly” – no, my mommy said I was beautiful

“You are snob” – no, my parents said I was nice

“You are pathetic” – no, I am loved

Words are powerful – may your words speak louder than the bully

Justin Hubert

@justinHubert (twitter)

www.slv2all.blogspot.com (Blog)

Justin is the CEO of Heritage Family Services, an organization caring for 100 kids every day aged 0-18, he and his wife have 4 kids aged 2-12.  

5 ways to be Thoughtful and Considerate to Others - by Lynne Nofziger

Being thoughtful, considerate, kind, caring and respectful of others is one of the greatest self-serving actions that you can take. How you treat and think of others reflects on how you think of yourself. Being kind to other people can make a huge difference in your life. There are many people out there that display rude behaviors. Many don’t realize it; they just aren’t making a conscientious effort to think of others feelings. Here are a few tips to motivate you into becoming thoughtful of others. 


The first step toward being thoughtful of others is to admit to yourself that you are not perfect. In fact, realize that, at times, you can be downright inconsiderate and selfish. Many times you don’t even realize it at the moment. But when you realized this has happened, consider how you could have acted differently in the situation. This is a very important part of becoming respectful, kind and caring to others.

Secondly, place yourself in others shoes. This is a key concept in becoming respectful. Consider how others feel. What their needs and wants may be in a given situation. Look at things from their perspective. Make a conscious effort to think of what others are really going through. What would you want to have happen if you were in their place? This task isn’t always easy, but it will get easier with practice. Sometimes you may not be correct in your assumptions about what another’s wants or needs, but it is an important step for you to make the effort to try.

When dealing with other people, always attempt to act with compassion and kindness. If someone else is distressed, even just a little bit, try to ease his or her suffering in some way. Treating others with kindness, respect, and love is one of the best ways to show consideration. You can do this in little ways such as a smile, a kind word, a thank you, or a hug. You can also go out of your way to be courteous to others by holding open a door or letting another person in front of you in traffic. Random acts of kindness go a long way and make a big, big difference.

Practice will improve your efforts and your attitude toward others. Making it a priority with every interaction with another person is a chance to practice being considerate. Every time you speak with someone, send out an email, or even pass someone on the street is an opportunity to practice consideration and respectfulness. Practice, practice, and then, practice some more. This is how you get really good at anything.

Make yourself a goal to do 6 little things each day that are kind and thoughtful. This adds to your practicing efforts. It doesn’t take long or even matter what those things are. Be creative. Try baking something for a family member or friend, tidy up a bit after yourself or someone else, send a sincere thank-you email to a co-worker, say “please” and “your welcome” when others are being considerate of you and your needs, hold the door open for a total stranger, or lend a hand to a friend. Your opportunities are endless. Reach out and do at least 6 things each and every day and soon it will become second nature.

So, what are the rewards of being more considerate to others? First and foremost, it just feels good to be kind to others, do nice things for them, and make other people happier. Second, it makes your life better in so many ways. People start to treat you with more respect and kindness. They may tend to even like you better, and they may be more likely to want to work with you and be with you. And, very importantly, your efforts can make society better a better place to be. Think of what we could have if we all were to treat each other with caring, thoughtfulness, kindness, and respect. We could live better together and work better together. Your small, considerate actions can have an immediate and dramatic effect on your life and others.

(From“5 ways to be Thoughtful and Considerate to Others - by Lynne Nofziger)

Shared by the SBCFoundation...
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This came in from a Frustrated Mom from Pennsylvania a couple of Days a go… Schools are supposedly all “Bully-Free” zones today… this needs to STOP!

Hi: I am writing you about my son who is being bullied... Well on Tuesday, he got into a fight with a child who has been bullying him for months now. The child threw him to the ground and hit his head off the pavement! No teachers saw what had happened apparently, but a child did pull the bully off my son. My son was sent to the nurse’s office, she called me and asked me to come in and evaluate the situation. My son had a bloody goose egg on the back of his head, a bloody lip and nose, he had abrasions and bruises all over his back, side and elbow... I took him to the doctor and they looked him over. He had a concussion. The bully is not in any large amount of trouble!!! He had to have a meeting with my son today at school, they also contacted his parents and he lost recess for 5 days!!! REALLY??? My son is high functioning autistic; he has an anxiety disorder and a few other problems. He is shy, backwards and isn't social, so regardless if I sound like the "Over protective" mother, I know for a fact my son did nothing to deserve this! The police or the school isn't willing to do anything and I am at my wit’s end! If I pull him out of school to be home schooled, not only will it set him back in his therapy and social skills, but also the bullies will win! I am at a loss. If there is anything you could do to help me, PLEASE I am begging you, tell me what to do and I will do it! Thank you!!!!

And something that I just found out today out of the meeting.... Since the child sat down with my son and talked it out with him, he is NOT in any trouble at all!!! So since he now wants to be friends with the child he gave a concussion to, he doesn't have to have any consequences... I am REALLY upset about this!!

Frustrated in Pennsylvania

Today’s Posts:

He who knows only his own side of the case, knows little of that.
- John Stuart Mill

The anti-bullying philosophy Olweus has spawned can be summed up as follows:

"You are entitled to live in a world without mean people. If people repeatedly treat you badly, please don't think it has anything to do with you, your attitudes or your behavior; it is only because of them. You are not strong or smart enough to make them stop, nor is it your responsibility to do so. Just inform the authorities when people upset you, and the authorities will make them stop."

Fear less, hope more;
eat less, chew more:
whine less, breathe more;
talk less, say more;
love more and all good things in life will come to you.

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SBCFoundation

"Tip" Tuesday - March 19, 2013

Parents: - 9:00am Post
Listen. It’s your child’s story; let him or her tell it. Your child may be in emotional pain about the way he or she is being treated and needs your help.

Believe. The knowledge that a child is being bullied can be emotionally painful. To be an effective advocate, parents need to react in a way that encourages their child to trust them.

Be supportive. Tell your child it is not his fault and that he does not deserve to be bullied. Parents should empower their child and avoid judgmental comments about their child or the child who bullies. Your child may already be feeling isolated, and hearing negative statements from parents may only further isolate him.

Be patient. Children may not be ready to open up right away. Talking about the bullying may be difficult, as they may fear retaliation from the bully or believe that even if they tell an adult, nothing will change. Your child might be feeling insecure, withdrawn, frightened, or ashamed.

Provide information. Parents should educate their child about bullying by providing information at a level the child can understand.

Explore options for intervention strategies. Parents can discuss with their child options they may have in dealing with bullying behavior.

TIPS for Parents - 12:00am Post
* Teach your children that if they see someone being bullied, they should not watch, laugh or join in.
* Pay attention to the relationships in your children’s groups. Ensure all children are included and that inappropriate behaviors are addressed.
* Help kids see the value of offering empathy and support to those who are bullied.
* Work with your child’s school to educate others about the problem of bullying.
* Be a good example for your children. Model respectful behaviors at home and in your daily interactions.

TIPS for Parents - Cyber-Bullying - 3:45pm Post
How parents can help stop cyber bullying:
* Familiarize yourself with online activities. Learn about the websites, blogs, chat rooms and cyber lingo that your children are using.
* Keep the computer in a common area so you can monitor activities.
* Keep open communication lines with your children so they feel comfortable talking to you about cyber bullying experiences. Let them know that you are there to support them.
* Recognize that online communication is a very important social aspect in kids’ lives. Do not automatically remove their online privileges if you find out about a cyber bullying experience.
* Talk to your children about what is acceptable behavior online and offline.
* Report any incident of online harassment and physical threats to the local police or your Internet Service Provider.
* Report any bullying that occurs over your child’s cell phone to your phone service provider. You may have to change the phone number if the problem does not stop.

TIPS to Help Parents Prevent Bullying - Schools - 7:15pm Post
Parents and guardians can be among a school's best allies in bullying prevention:

Talk with and Listen to Your Children Everyday Ask questions about their school day, including experiences on the way to and from school, lunch, and recess. Ask about their peers. Children who feel comfortable talking to their parents about these matters before they are involved in bullying are more likely to get them involved after.

Spend time at School and Recess Schools can lack the resources to provide all students individualized attention during "free" time like recess. Volunteer to coordinate games and activities that encourage children to interact with peers aside from their best friends.

Be a Good Example When you get angry at waiters, other drivers or others, model effective communication techniques. As Education.com puts it, "Any time you speak to another person in a mean or abusive way, you're teaching your child that bullying is ok."

Create Healthy Anti-Bullying Habits Starting as young as possible, coach your children on both what not to do (push, tease, and be mean to others) as well as what to do (be kind, empathize, and take turns). Also coach your child on what to do if someone is mean to him or to another (get an adult, tell the bully to stop, walk away and ignore the bully).

Make Sure Your Child Understands Bullying Explicitly explain what it is and that it's not normal or tolerable for them to bully, be bullied, or stand by and watch other kids be bullied

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"Be a Friend" Friday Poem

Poem on True Friend

Friend gives you smile
But true friend gives you happiness

Friend will lie about you
But true friend won’t tell your weakness

Friend knives your back
But true friend will slog your face

Thousands friends come when you’re happy
But only one true friend comes when you cry


Friend comes when he needs you
But true friend comes when you need him

Friend leaves when everybody does
But true friend comes when everybody leaves


Friend comes and leaves
But true friend is yours forever


Clara Odelia Ciutara

Inspiring Letter...

Submitted By a Supporter this month...

I am 38 years old. For the first time in my life, I like me. I was bullied starting in seventh grade. At first it seem like it was just joking but then it truned nasty. As the years went by the bullying got worse. It became a contest to see who could be meaner. To the bullies it was a game and they loved every minute of it. It just wasn't one person, it seemed like it was everyone. The mere thought of my name, enraged them with such hatred, that they went out of their way to hurt me. This was not bullying, this was abuse, assalt and harassment. I was chased by kids with baseball bats. I would be walking down the street and kids would jump out of cars and beat me up. I would be on the bus and they would open the doors and push me out while the bus was in motion. Or better yet hold on to my bag and make the bus drag me. I would be pushed down the steps in school. I would have everyone spit on me as I walked by. I never knew why my name brought so much animosity. I was hit by a car and shattered my knee. I hoped that this would give me a reprieve. But it didn't. kids made up stories on how they saved me or they were there and I didn't say thank you. I fell in front of a classroom. I have a full leg cast on, and I can't get up. The teacher saw me and with his foot, pushed me out of his doorway and shut it. I tried killing myself several times but was always afraid. We called the cops, they said there was nothing they could do. We talk to the school again no help. It is my word against their's. Even now on facebook, a class photo will appear, and someone from my class will make a comment.

I read about school's no tolerance policy. To me it is a joke. Kids defending themselves are getting expelled and the bully walk free. You never hear of a bully being expelled. Because most of the kids doing it are on the football team and we cant destroy that. We are not allowed to call them a bully because they have feelings. It really angers me!

I am really excited about these websites. It gives me hope. That there maybe change. Help for kids out there who are suffering. For the first time in 27 years, I am not afraid to leave my house. I never stayed at home, I was not going to let them win. But entering a new place or situtation, it filled me with so much anxiety, that it scared me. I couldn't breath. I also didn't talk about it. It was like a dirty little secret. But everyone knew. and talking about it now, has made it easier. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. And I have a son who thinks I created the world and a wife who adores me. I wish more could be done to protect these young kids. But until we learn to treat each other with respect and common decency, this will continue. To the parents of victims, please hold tight, always make your children feel special and fight. To the victims of bullying. You are special. Never give up. Your life will get better!

Thank you

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Facebook Posts - this Week

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.
- James Baldwin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saying no can be the ultimate self-care.
- Claudia Black

If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.
- Anon

“A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth, to say no. That's where toughness comes into play. Toughness is not being a bully. It's having backbone.”

- Robert Kiyosaki

 

(Coming up on “Be a Friend” Friday)

Poem on True Friend

Friend gives you smile
But true friend gives you happiness

Friend will lie about you
But true friend won’t tell your weakness

Friend knives your back
But true friend will slog your face

Thousands friends come when you’re happy
But only one true friend comes when you cry

Friend comes when he needs you
But true friend comes when you need him

Friend leaves when everybody does
But true friend comes when everybody leaves

Friend comes and leaves
But true friend is yours forever
Clara Odelia Ciutara

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