Those are heart-breaking words. A world comes crashing down, seemingly in an instant. You find a blood soaked fabric under your child’s bed (because cutting has become popular among her friends) or, you get a phone call, and what you hear, what you see, breaks your heart as a parent. For all the energy you have put in, for all the driving, all the meals, things you have paid for, places you have driven, your child feels distant.Some suppose that these are just the “teenage years,” or this is just “the way kids are.” Yes, that is true. But who are WE, and how are WE as adults responsible for providing for all the needs of our children? What is our role? What are we to do when our children are being bullied?
What would you want to be done for you if you were bullied? Why not provide this very thing for your child? Our first job as parent is to know! And finding out, takes a warm loving conversation about topics that are very hard to talk about!
If we are bullied in the work place as adults, or even by complete strangers, what do we do? We talk about it, it is our first impulse, to talk to other people. The real big issue is that kids have the same impulse to talk about what is going on with them, but the people they talk to are other kids. Talking with other kids isn’t bad, or wrong, and it can be very helpful, the thing to be understood is that other kids have the same level of maturity. Again, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but you as a parent have some experience in this game, don’t take yourself out of the conversation.
Some conversations with our children are hard, I like to utilize a technique called “opening the door” Where we don’t necessarily talk with our children about the very thing we see a need to talk about today, we just warmly open the door to this future conversation to take place. You can say something like “You know, you mom and I are hear to talk to you about anything you like, drugs, alcohol, sex, bullying or suicide.” We have to be a voice in their world that speaks louder than the words of the bullies. But this voice can’t be a voice of anger and frustration it has to be the inquisitive persistent voice of calm and love, one that says, “I love you, I want to know what is going on.”
From a human nature perspective, we all have the desire “to be known,” to be understood, to have our hopes, dreams, success, and aspirations known by other people. This list of things we want to have known also includes fears, failures, and a genuine longing to be understood at a deep level. Many of us don’t know how to go about these conversations for ourselves, let alone for our kids.
In most any other circumstance we jump in and want to figure out what we don’t know in order to help find a solution. Here too, we must jump in, it is our responsibility, and to know our kids, and to warmly invite them into a conversation, to find out what is going on, what concerns they have. Every day, we have small opportunities to “open the door” of conversation with our kids. Allowing them the very basic human freedom of being known inside a caring encouraging environment.
Justin Hubert
@justinHubert (twitter)
www.slv2all.blogspot.com (Blog)
Justin is the CEO of Heritage Family Services, an organization caring for 100 kids every day aged 0-18, he and his wife have 4 kids aged 2-12.
